In the future we'll all be gay
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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