So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
