Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
