I wish my penis had an off switch
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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