Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
