I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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