Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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