did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
