Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
