dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
