I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
jump out the window naked night went bad
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
