so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
