you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
