you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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