I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
