Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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