Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just took my morning after pill in the library
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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