Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
