did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want nice things and good sex
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
