she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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