i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
