My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When are your genitals available?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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