let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
