totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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