not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
