how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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