Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just found puke in my bra..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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