I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
