if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize