Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize