Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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