I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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