i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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