I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
