I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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