Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
