Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
