false alarm. still invincible.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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