Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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