You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
