my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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