Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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