just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize