I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
