I wish I could punch you in the face.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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