he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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