Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
