so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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