When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
