Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
