make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
