Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
