im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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