I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
