I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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