What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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