god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize