my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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