The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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