I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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